Friday, February 19, 2010

*TOP SECRET* How To Defeat The Terrorists

Here are my credentials: I have taken Political Science classes, I read Newsweek, I have cable TV, I have traveled outside my own home state and I almost understand half my functions on my Blackberry.

After studying and analyzing many historical documents that have become vital in the functions of this society such as Independence Day, War of the Worlds, Mars Attacks, Mulan and War of the Worlds, I have seen a pattern that can and will save the world. That’s right I have found the antidote that through much briefing and endless cups of Jamba Juice will save—well, at least this side of the world, from terrorism.

If any of you have not seen at least three of these movies I submit that you put away the Lost episodes for just a few brief moments of your lives, and run to your local movie dealer. Have you watched them yet? Alright, we shall carry on. In all of these movies, our heroes were stuck with mud up to their knees (or snow, or alien goop).

The odds were against them and things weren’t looking good. I know if I would have been in the same situation as Mulan with all those Huns charging right at me, or Luke Skywalker navigating through the outside inside ring things of the Death Star (I still can’t beat that part on any video game) I would have wet my pants. But no, Mulan did not wet her pants, nor did Luke, scientist man from war of the worlds or Junkyard kid from Mars Attacks. They thought outside the box and defeated the odds and were all paid handsome rewards that they always refused to show their humility, except Mulan who hooked up with the guy at the end and kept the Emperor’s crest.

Threaded through each of these documents is a common theme which can be applied to the dilemmas facing us today, in each of these movies there was a simple solution to the problem that changed the tide and brought victory on their side. Let’s take a look at a few of these historical documents. War of the Worlds. In the old movie all human life was blasted to nothingness and in the new one they were used as fertilizer. Nukes didn’t do a thing. So what was it that finally brought death to these invading terrorists? Air-born germs. That’s right. Simple air destroyed these alien- colorful-eyeballed dudes and the mankind came out on top. Mars Attacks, who would have thought that the old music of the early 20th century would serve a purpose other than juke box night at the bingo joint? Independence Day, as the famous line in the movie that sums up how they conquered those tentacle-wearing scum heads was that he simply, “Gave it a cold.”

First of all we must find the motive of these terrorists. It’s usually global domination or as Batman’s butler eloquently put it, “Some people just want to watch the world burn.” Let’s just say they want to do both.

Now let’s analyze the current situation and tie it with the simple solution theory. History shows us that in tight situations there is always a simple solution. So how do we tackle these ticking time bombs? Well first of all, we must go through a bit of a struggle and make it look like we are on the brink of loss for example, Lord of the Rings, I thought for sure I was going to be sitting there until the sun rose during the final battle on opening night. That was the longest battle scene ever! And the big smelly guy I was sitting next to didn’t help solve things either! We all thought middle earth was doomed and that Orcs would soon frolic the fields of the shire. The humans were almost done for.

So far, as Afghanistan proves, we have made it to phase one like our Lord of the Ring friends. It looks like we are in it for the long haul and things are looking doubtful because the Taliban just keeps recruiting folks for free, while it costs the American nation $1 million to support one soldier in the opium-high nation. Rules of engagement are strict, so even if they have Taliban in their sights, they can’t do a thing. That’s right. Our backs are up against a wall and we can’t move an inch.

So now we can move on to phase two. Phase two is finding the simple solution that completely knocks out the terrorists and we sing, dance, jiggle and kiss while the credits go up. We are also in a lucky situation here. We have Al-Qaeda and the Taliban to battle, in the same general area-ish. We can kill two birds with one stone.

We must know the enemy as Luke knew Darth more than he thought he did. To kick it off we must find the motive of these terrorists. It’s usually global domination or as Batman’s butler eloquently put it, “Some people just want to watch the world burn.” Let’s just say they want to do both.

Next, what we know about the scum sucking pigs (terrorists):
1. They wear turbans, sometimes they are white, sometimes they are red, and I have seen lots of black and white-checkered ones as well, probably used to challenge others to games like checkers during times of boredom.

2. Their technology has gotten to the point where their underwear can explode on command. (This beats my black Batman underwear as a kid by a longshot)

3. In pictures they carry around AK-47s and have very long beards, I assume these beards are used to store food in so they can live in the desert for long periods of time.

4. They are not a nation so we technically cannot declare war on them. Setback? I think not!

5. Apparently their best defense is hiding in caves and sending the United States videos every time something suspicious comes up saying, “We did it!” Did I mention they have long beards?

So with all this information at hand, it is now time to whip out the sword like our faithful friend Mulan did and see things at another angle. Well of course I already have found the solution or I wouldn’t be writing this to inform the world, save Gondor and bring peace and prosperity to furry people that live on moons. Alright, I know you are waiting in suspense, especially if you are the secretary of defense, if this is the secretary of defense, can we move on to the space wars please? What’s up with cutting funding from NASA? Let’s get to the good stuff yo! Without further ado, my fellow Anti-terrorist people and all those in between, the solution to our problem:

World Saving Solution! Top Secret! Spread the word except to terrorists, smoke signals probably work best, I don’t think they have cracked that code yet.

Step #1: Gather a bundle of bats with sonar calling device or just capture them with butterfly nets.

Step #2: Attach hair-removal spray to their hind legs. Nair or Veet? Whoever has the best lobbyists!

Step #3: Equip each bat with own exploding underwear. They probably won’t struggle as much if they are of the black batman type.

Plan of action: During the terrorist’s time of leisure, which will be easy to decipher, because they won’t be wearing turbans, deploy all bats in the Afghanistan, Pakistan, (whatever an that holds terrorists) regions. Bats, due to their natural instinct, will fly towards all caves in the region. Bats fly into cave, detected, but not seen as a threat. When in the main bunker, bat’s underwear goes off, destroying all in the cave, as well setting off the hair-removal spray, cutting off all food supply if there are any survivors. Grab fireworks, fiddlers and call CNN. Do victory dances around the world with background music, probably techno and dance the night away, but not like the furry people that live on moons, because we have just conquered terrorism in one simple sweep! And cut federal spending by 40 percent. Long live freedom! And long live Jamba Juice. Hold memorial service for bats, declare them as the new national bird.

4 comments:

  1. You are an EPIC person

    ReplyDelete
  2. TERRORIST wear $2000 suits. They usually go to Davos. It's not that hard, but you do have to do your OWN THINKING. Read your Jefferson, Jackson, Martin Armstrong

    ReplyDelete