Put Down The Glocks And Watch The Pros Kick Trash!

Every four years I have the same privilege as every other American in this great nation. No it’s not rotating my tires or finally getting around to cleaning out the gutters. It’s the chance to watch the Olympics. That’s right. After four years of sitting at a desk, pretending to look busy and typing away at my computer, I finally get to reap the benefits of my hard work by sitting on my couch with a bag of Sun Chips (are their new bags really edible?) and watch a bunch of dudes and dudettes battle for OUR bragging rights for the next four years (and by George we had better win that curling medal!)

I’m sick of all the Canadians I know bragging about how they took the gold in Torino. This year is ours! It’s our time to shine and show the world who really has the skills at rolling stones. And people, I just want to point out that it’s just not the fact that I will able to trash talk my fellow Canadians, gain some extra poundage for the next grueling weeks of winter ahead and spike the ratings of NBC sky high with all 13 of my TV’s, it’s the fact that I am finally able to walk up to some random dude at the bus stop and have an intense conversation on an ice skater that we both saw on TV at 2 am in the morning.

You know? You know what I mean? The Olympics isn’t just a time for athletes to unite and trash other athletes and then go get trashed on the streets the rest of the week to celebrate. It’s a time where us Americans can finally look at each other in the eye and say that we are united. It also gives me the chance to wear my American flag sweatshirt I got from a distant aunt without feeling out of place.

What also amazes me is how we Americans can not study a sport for four years and then suddenly for two weeks we are experts! We know when an ice-skater has messed up on their routine and not only that— we know how many points the judges will take off for it. If the judge from Albania messes up, you know Sun Chips will start flying. The conversations in the bars also take a sudden turn—they are about the Americans skating pairs chemistry and technique, instead of a new heating system just installed in Fred’s Ford pickup.

That’s right, us Americans bond when we get together and watch athletes that have been dragged to practice everyday of their life until they were six without watching the coveted TV shows that most of us base our schedules around. It’s also a basic American right and almost a guarantee now to chant U.S.A! U.S.A!—with the hopes that foreigners everywhere understand the English alphabet and American acronyms. When I chant it in my living room, the skiers from Switzerland seem to falter while shredding down the hill.

These two weeks become such a part of us that we even start growing out the same kind of facial hair as the speed skaters and start saying the same words the snowboarders say—you know—the kind of words that seemed too juvenile to utter just a few weeks ago.

American bonding time is now. For these two weeks we can finally forget how much we hate Kobe because he trashed our favorite basketball team and we can put the glocks and the shotguns away intended for the gang across the tracks. It’s time to sit back, relax and watch some Americans kick trash! Really? Edible Sun Chips?