Come on! Let's go teleport!

I will not dispute the effectiveness of the combustible engine. That single invention has revolutionized this world as we know it, it brings me one step closer to me and my Krispy Kreme doughnuts. What I will dispute is that is time to dump the training wheels. The combustible engine was a great kick start for this society but that’s all it was—a kick start. It cannot and should not be the mode of transportation for my grandkids. My Grandpa walked up hills both ways with only a hot potato to keep him warm when he went to school. I rode the smelly bus, of which I will never forget the day when Dave Willis flipped a mushy banana at truck going the opposite direction. If things go as planned, my grandkids will walk into the kitchen, grab their lunches which will expand when sneezed upon, walk into the pantry and be teleported away to school.

That’s right. I’m talking about teleportation here. Not hybrid, electric, or seaweed cars, but human particles blasted from one spot to another in seconds. So what if we have had a little setback from the Willey Wonka incident of ’76? Thomas Edison wasn’t hounded by setbacks. If it wasn’t for that man’s determination you would be reading this post with a honey-waxed candle instead. Even though there is nothing wrong with honey wax.

Yes I am aware that all the major automobile industries are crying foul on this one. They have been lobbying against this for years. Millions of jobs will be lost they yell. The economy will crumble they counter. On the contrary, the economy will thrive, millions of jobs will be created and much much more. How will splunking one person from one place to another in seconds save the world you may ask?

First of all, let’s give a shout out to the folks that chain themselves to a tree for leisurely time on a Saturday afternoon. My dear green people, this is for you! The first obvious big fix would be the whole carbon emissions stuff. Cars are gone, people teleport, no more need for fossil fuels. And just a little side note, nuclear fusion will be figured out too. The energy problem is solved, goodbye coal plants. Now also, we have all these roads that are no longer in use. That’s where you green people come in! Put on your Johnny Apple seed hats and start planting them trees and shrubberies because we don’t need no more of that highway 66 stuff. That’s right. All those roads we have stolen from nature we can finally give back. Squirrels can finally move around freely without the fear of becoming a motorized pancake. But don’t worry, we’ll still have pancakes.

Now to the economy, Companies will get more business because travel time will be easier. Remember that story of the Dad who told his kids they were going to Disneyland, took them to an old burned down warehouse, and told them that Disneyland burned down? No more need to worry about that! Cheap-skate fathers will now be able to afford the trip across the country. The cost of travel will be no more, which is the number one barrier from keeping society to jumping to the next level. Companies will finally be able to bring in their products (like say Krispy Kreme doughnuts) in record time making the flow of money and consumers move at a constant pace.

Now I am certain that this invention will be revolutionary for creating jobs as well. The light bulb revolution jobs, think about that one. And teleportation will create jobs and businesses never before known. As I am sure Thomas Edison never envisioned people working the late night shift at some casino, we can’t even fathom what people will put on their resumes in the future. But please, let’s throw out these combustible engine training wheels and move on to the future, because a fifteen minute drive to get to my Krispy Kreme doughnuts is making me ancy.