We've had quite a go at things these past 11 months. In the beginning, the beginning of the year that is, the weather was frigid. Everytime we walked outside it was a matter of life and death. If anyone sat out there too long their blood could have easily could have turned into otter pops within minutes. We dashed from our places of abodes, to our vehicles, from our vehicles to the grocery store just to remember that we forgot our wallets.
Yes, those were frustrating and trying times for the most of us. Those in Florida were not exempt. Although they may have faced a warmer climate during that time, they still must fight off the snakes that have overridden that state and fall from the ceiling and onto the dinner table every other day. I actually have gotten word that one snake is actually running for congress next year and with the help of his fellow colleagues he is leading in the polls. We pray for you Florida.
I think the easiest, quickest, most effective thing we could do to curtail this cold problem is to switch countries with India. We would just straight up flip flop with them. We would all pack up and go over there and they would all pack up and come over here. It seems like a simple enough solution. I hope that it will gain ground in the next couple of weeks. Anyways, the point is we survived the cold months of 2014.
Then the sun came up, the plants started to grow and a fog of pollen and hay and grass and weedy things came plummeting towards us. Only the strong-lunged and the stout-nosed could survive such wrath without having to constantly go for the nasal spray. Those who didn't have puffy eyes were considered to be in the upper class. I can't too much more on the matter because most of that time I too had puffy eyes and had a hard time seeing much of anything. To say the least those that are still reading this post survived.
After that, the sun came up a little higher. Things got a little hotter. The pollen and the hay and grass and weedy things were no match for the sun. They couldn't "hang" like they used to way up in the air. We were all relieved. The sun had saved the day. But then, like every soap opera found deep in the high channels of cable television, the sun turned on us when we needed him most. He burned us and turned us into lobsters. It hurt to sleep. It hurt breath.
Everyone cried in pain when they received a pat on the back for doing a good deed. The heat had literally gotten to us. The one thing we craved and yearned for for months on end was now retaliating against us. Those that could afford SPF 100 were considered the upper class, however there is still on ongoing debate on whether or not blocking all those sun rays was a wise choice for long-term care. Only time will tell what will become of those upper classers.
Soon thereafter, the sun slowly began to fade away once more. The leaves on the tree began to change their colors as the trees mustered with all their might to sap the living day light out of them before another winter came on. We harvested all the food we could before the teenagers could get to them and smash them in the road. Folks were exhausted. Truckloads of pumpkins came down to Florida to meet the high demand but snakes everyone were able to get to them first. That created an even higher demand of pumpkins. The pumpkin harvesters couldn't pick them fast enough. Their fingers were nimble and their spirits were tarred. Many thought that pumpkin harvest would be a quick way to make a few bucks. Instead it turned them into buff, overtime-paid harvesters with no lives on the weekends.
And now finally here we are at the end of the year. We made it! We're still here! We're alive! There are some that still may have snakes falling onto their dinner tables but the point is they have fought off those snakes for an entire year. We have bested many beasts this year and maybe we're a little bloodied up but we ended up coming out on top. Many of us may look like Rocky this time of year after he went 9 rounds in the ring with Apollo Creed. Just remember, even though Rocky had to go to the hospital and get his entire body put into a cast, he ended up having a robot for a server and drove a Lamborgini.
So that's what we have to look forward to now. Metaphorical robot servers and Lamborginis. We've done so much and came so far and now it is time to be Jolly for all of this year's accomplishments. Sure otter pop blood freezing temperatures will return once more but at least we now know to remember to bring our wallets before we go out there in the torrential frigid Arctic ice land. This is one time when we get a full month of joyful and triumphant music ringing in our ears and neighbors who we haven't talked to all year show up at our doorstep with a plate full food we don't recognize or knew even existed.
It's finally time to break out some lights and paste them all over our houses and show the airline pilots that we still exist! We're still out there and we are going to continue to be out no matter how big the pumpkins will be next harvest! Yes it truly is a joyful time. Let us embellish this time and these moments while they are still at our doorstep. In the meantime, make sure to keep an eye on the spot of ground you want way over in India.
Thursday, December 4, 2014
Friday, September 13, 2013
The County Fair And All Its Wonders
My wife and I made our yearly migration to the County Fair last week. My wife, due to her pregnant condition, is easily attracted there. I go with her because usually the clothes she wears don't have pockets sufficient to carry the amount of cash to purchase funnel cake that matches prefectly the size of our dining table. So off we go to the land where a high amount of cash can buy you anything that you could've just bought at the dollar store the day before.
The instant we walk in "Man" things ambush my attention. Motorcycles line one side of the walkway. Although I have never in fact ridden a motorcycle in my life, except for the pocketbike I owned in high school, (google pocketbike if you don't know what I am talking about) my mouth still instantly starts to drool. I don't know how those fair people do it. It's either the faint noise of baby goats bleating in the background or the sound of children barfing on the tilt a' whirl behind me.
For whatever the reason, I have just come up with a million logical reasons why I need a motorcycle for the upcoming wintertime. Then, by some unknown force, I am pulled to the left and before me is a forest of the most brilliant gleaming hot tubs set out in a perfectly in the sun. Those things were nice. The magenta one especially caught my eye. I'm pretty sure that our bedroom is big enough to fit a magenta hot tub in it. We'd have to swab for a twin size bed, but sometimes, sacrifices brings blessings. To say the least, I think my wife really was onto something coming to the fair. After my wife, with her miraculous powers, picks me up and drags me across the walkway, I see the final fair artifact that makes my heart burst.
A motorhome. Not just any motorhome mind you. A motorhome that is being foreclosed by the bank, so you know it's cheaper than the rest and therefore, more affordable to me. A side note mind you to help you understand why this motorhome would intrigue me so. You see, I can't stand camping. Wait, you can't stand camping and you got your Eagle Scout? (your mom got your eagle scou?) Yes. And the reason I can't stand it is because I got my eagle scout.
You would think twice about camping too if you had big plans to go to a friends house, play halo and grab a grande meal at 3 am to have your hopes dashed. Instead, I spent the weekend in wooly mammoth temperatures and then had all Sunday afternoon to myself in the bathtub waiting for my feet to thaw. So with a motorhome, I wouldn't have to wait until I got home to thaw my feet. See where I am going with this?
Unfortunately, the pockets I had that day were not big enough to purchase the (treats) I desired. So I was once again brisked away and away we went deep into the jungles of the fair. We enjoyed the paintings from amateurs and wished we were amateur enough to make a human skeleton out of metal as well. We tried on hand creams, bought some fudge and somehow talked ourselves out of a "free" massage.
Then we finally came to the main event we had all been waiting for. The hypnotist. I still remember the kids running up to the stage jumping up and down screaming to become zombified. The hypnotist told them they had to be 12 and by some magic, they ALL said they were twelve. Finally, the group was set, he put them under, they danced, they saw people naked and their butts fell off. For the final act, he took a little doll, (I think its origins were from New Orleans) and when the doll raised his arm, they raised their arms, when the doll shook, they shook, when he pricked the dolls buttocks they grabbed theirs in pain. What a glorious show the hypnotist show was. Truly mesmerizing and fun for all ages.
The funny thing is, I don't know if I hear baby goats bleating in the background or the next door neighbor's kid barfing, but for some reason, something is telling me inside, that when we make our migration to the fair next year, I'm gonna need to bring some bigger pockets.
Monday, February 22, 2010
The World is Smurshed
The following situations are in-your-face real events that occurred to me. No I am not making them up and they may not be suitable for those that have severe stomach cramps.
Situation #1 As I am having an intense, profound conversation with a fellow colleague of mine, so intense that that I am almost sure we were on to solving world hunger, even though we were just talking about the terrible parking in some areas. The pocket of my colleague buzzes and before I can say half-stack of blueberry pancakes, I am stuck in the back seat with the child lock on. That’s right I am suddenly interrupted, put on hold for someone in who-knows-where land in need of information obviously of less importance than the current situation at hand but still, I am muted.
Situation #2 This time I am alone, inside an elevator, shooting up for a top floor. I am studying the designs in the carpet when suddenly the elevator stops, the door swings open and a fellow human being enters. I get ready for an acknowledgement but instead his head goes down, reaches for his phone and starts playing with it. Obviously the all-hail-mankind human salute I was expecting was more important than what he was staring at—but still, I am set to ignore.
Situation #3 A few days ago I observed an older couple having a nice meal at a restaurant when suddenly the husband’s cell phone rings. He answers the phone and talks with the other person on the line for about a half hour. The wife is shunned.
I know with the high amount of cell phones that dot the earth I am not the only one that has experienced such situations. Many others have suffered such traumatic instances, many most likely far worse than my own. You have been shunned from an ancient basic communication device that has existed longer than the can of tuna fish sitting in your pantry, which is simply just the moving lips, making eye contact, nodding, smiling and the fluttering of eyelashes— just to be shunned by someone talking to someone on a device that has only existed for twenty years.
What is happening here is what I like to call, grass-always-better-on-the-other-side-of-the-fence itus. It’s infectious and it has spread quickly all over the world. The first signs occurred around the late 19th century when storytelling Indians would be abruptly cut off from the climax of “Running Horse and his pet turtle” for an abrupt smoke signal suddenly brewing in the east. Since then, it has gained speed and has hit us with such an exponential force in the past ten years that scientists have been too tired to calculate the rate of its spreading (Probably because they are always talking on their cell phones) hence, I cannot not give the rate of its spreading.
People, tall and large, attached ear lobes and non-attached earlobes feel the sting. Innocent people, going out of their way to make contact with a tangible human being are getting the shun. The effect of this virus goes much deeper than having hurt feelings when getting cut off in the middle of telling your Grandma’s secret applesauce cookie recipe.
You see, with the increase of portable devices that allow people to communicate with others from distant lands cut off vital communication skills that have longed helped mankind from tearing their hair out, stripping off their clothes and spending the rest of their days swinging through the trees and eating termites with close primate relatives (although a few cases have been reported in the past which are still under investigation.)
With that said, observing that most people feel that someone else in a far distant area requires more attention than the people currently in their presence; I declare that the world is becoming smurshed. That’s right, smurshed. Let me explain. When two people communicate there is a connection between the individuals. When someone is always talking to another individual outside their eyeball range (we will call them blabbers) they are connected to the person they are talking to but the connection they have with those in eyeball range is weakened (we will call them the shunned). The blabbers find their strongest relationship or strongest need to communicate with people he or she cannot physically see, thus creating the smurshing effect. With the more ease there is to communication devices the more the world is becoming smurshed.
Why is the smurshing effect a problem that needs to be addressed? This smurshing effect is taking away ancient forms of communication that many argue strengthens the inner self, personal relationships and makes playing a game of hide-and-go seek so worthwhile. The moving lips, making eye contact, nodding, smiling and fluttering of eyelashes stirs and strengthens the bond ship between two individuals. When a blabber is focused on communicating with those they cannot tangibly see they are cutting off these ancient, vital, social needs. When the shunned are shunned, they too get the second hand smoke of the blabber.
The scary part of all of this is when a blabber connects with another person that in turn makes that person a blabber, instantly spreading this disease to any land that has cellar service. If the trend of this smurshing effect continues, I see most people ripping out their hair, stripping down, flying through trees and eating termites with their fellow primates by the year 2020. On the other side of the coin, I see all conversation between individuals cut down to just the fingers and eyes. In the future a mother will stay in bed and simply text her son what that he needs to get up to go to school. Yes, a smurshed world is frightening.
Why is it that blabbers always feel the need to chat with some bloke out fishing in the Pacific instead of telling one of their co-workers he’s dunking his doughnut in lighter fluid is an interesting question. I have two theories.
The first theory: Pride, power and world domination! Or maybe just pride. Blabbers feel important when they are talking to someone else that the shunned cannot see or talk to themselves. They could be talking to the prince of Saudi Arabia for all they know and blabbers know that. Many exhort as much emotion as possible to show they are having a good time talking with that person on the phone instead of doing what everyone else around them is doing even if it’s pulling out a few good blue darts. This pride theory can be contagious; humans can sometimes act like sheep. I know this because I once accidently walked into the Women’s restroom and five guys were right behind me. When a shunner sees a blabber they too want to be blabbing instead of shunned thus adding another blabber into the cycle.
The second theory: Security. Blabbers feel more secure talking to others outside their physical realm because it’s easier than facing people they could be physically blabbing to. There’s no need to make eye contact, flutter eyelashes and shake the tush. In texting mode, there’s no reason to blink. Of course the sheep cycle happens in this theory as well, all the shunned shunned with the insecure person and they too start blabbing and thus we see the world getting more and more smurshed. Other theories are still up for consideration.
Technology is great. I love it when I get a little red star telling me that someone across the street is thinking of me. But the fact of the matter is this dangerous smurshing trend continues I fear that I will never play a game of hide-and-go seek again. Let’s hope an antidote is found soon! I like my hair!
Situation #1 As I am having an intense, profound conversation with a fellow colleague of mine, so intense that that I am almost sure we were on to solving world hunger, even though we were just talking about the terrible parking in some areas. The pocket of my colleague buzzes and before I can say half-stack of blueberry pancakes, I am stuck in the back seat with the child lock on. That’s right I am suddenly interrupted, put on hold for someone in who-knows-where land in need of information obviously of less importance than the current situation at hand but still, I am muted.
Situation #2 This time I am alone, inside an elevator, shooting up for a top floor. I am studying the designs in the carpet when suddenly the elevator stops, the door swings open and a fellow human being enters. I get ready for an acknowledgement but instead his head goes down, reaches for his phone and starts playing with it. Obviously the all-hail-mankind human salute I was expecting was more important than what he was staring at—but still, I am set to ignore.
Situation #3 A few days ago I observed an older couple having a nice meal at a restaurant when suddenly the husband’s cell phone rings. He answers the phone and talks with the other person on the line for about a half hour. The wife is shunned.
I know with the high amount of cell phones that dot the earth I am not the only one that has experienced such situations. Many others have suffered such traumatic instances, many most likely far worse than my own. You have been shunned from an ancient basic communication device that has existed longer than the can of tuna fish sitting in your pantry, which is simply just the moving lips, making eye contact, nodding, smiling and the fluttering of eyelashes— just to be shunned by someone talking to someone on a device that has only existed for twenty years.
What is happening here is what I like to call, grass-always-better-on-the-other-side-of-the-fence itus. It’s infectious and it has spread quickly all over the world. The first signs occurred around the late 19th century when storytelling Indians would be abruptly cut off from the climax of “Running Horse and his pet turtle” for an abrupt smoke signal suddenly brewing in the east. Since then, it has gained speed and has hit us with such an exponential force in the past ten years that scientists have been too tired to calculate the rate of its spreading (Probably because they are always talking on their cell phones) hence, I cannot not give the rate of its spreading.
People, tall and large, attached ear lobes and non-attached earlobes feel the sting. Innocent people, going out of their way to make contact with a tangible human being are getting the shun. The effect of this virus goes much deeper than having hurt feelings when getting cut off in the middle of telling your Grandma’s secret applesauce cookie recipe.
You see, with the increase of portable devices that allow people to communicate with others from distant lands cut off vital communication skills that have longed helped mankind from tearing their hair out, stripping off their clothes and spending the rest of their days swinging through the trees and eating termites with close primate relatives (although a few cases have been reported in the past which are still under investigation.)
With that said, observing that most people feel that someone else in a far distant area requires more attention than the people currently in their presence; I declare that the world is becoming smurshed. That’s right, smurshed. Let me explain. When two people communicate there is a connection between the individuals. When someone is always talking to another individual outside their eyeball range (we will call them blabbers) they are connected to the person they are talking to but the connection they have with those in eyeball range is weakened (we will call them the shunned). The blabbers find their strongest relationship or strongest need to communicate with people he or she cannot physically see, thus creating the smurshing effect. With the more ease there is to communication devices the more the world is becoming smurshed.
Why is the smurshing effect a problem that needs to be addressed? This smurshing effect is taking away ancient forms of communication that many argue strengthens the inner self, personal relationships and makes playing a game of hide-and-go seek so worthwhile. The moving lips, making eye contact, nodding, smiling and fluttering of eyelashes stirs and strengthens the bond ship between two individuals. When a blabber is focused on communicating with those they cannot tangibly see they are cutting off these ancient, vital, social needs. When the shunned are shunned, they too get the second hand smoke of the blabber.
The scary part of all of this is when a blabber connects with another person that in turn makes that person a blabber, instantly spreading this disease to any land that has cellar service. If the trend of this smurshing effect continues, I see most people ripping out their hair, stripping down, flying through trees and eating termites with their fellow primates by the year 2020. On the other side of the coin, I see all conversation between individuals cut down to just the fingers and eyes. In the future a mother will stay in bed and simply text her son what that he needs to get up to go to school. Yes, a smurshed world is frightening.
Why is it that blabbers always feel the need to chat with some bloke out fishing in the Pacific instead of telling one of their co-workers he’s dunking his doughnut in lighter fluid is an interesting question. I have two theories.
The first theory: Pride, power and world domination! Or maybe just pride. Blabbers feel important when they are talking to someone else that the shunned cannot see or talk to themselves. They could be talking to the prince of Saudi Arabia for all they know and blabbers know that. Many exhort as much emotion as possible to show they are having a good time talking with that person on the phone instead of doing what everyone else around them is doing even if it’s pulling out a few good blue darts. This pride theory can be contagious; humans can sometimes act like sheep. I know this because I once accidently walked into the Women’s restroom and five guys were right behind me. When a shunner sees a blabber they too want to be blabbing instead of shunned thus adding another blabber into the cycle.
The second theory: Security. Blabbers feel more secure talking to others outside their physical realm because it’s easier than facing people they could be physically blabbing to. There’s no need to make eye contact, flutter eyelashes and shake the tush. In texting mode, there’s no reason to blink. Of course the sheep cycle happens in this theory as well, all the shunned shunned with the insecure person and they too start blabbing and thus we see the world getting more and more smurshed. Other theories are still up for consideration.
Technology is great. I love it when I get a little red star telling me that someone across the street is thinking of me. But the fact of the matter is this dangerous smurshing trend continues I fear that I will never play a game of hide-and-go seek again. Let’s hope an antidote is found soon! I like my hair!
Saturday, February 20, 2010
Come on! Let's go teleport!
I will not dispute the effectiveness of the combustible engine. That single invention has revolutionized this world as we know it, it brings me one step closer to me and my Krispy Kreme doughnuts. What I will dispute is that is time to dump the training wheels. The combustible engine was a great kick start for this society but that’s all it was—a kick start. It cannot and should not be the mode of transportation for my grandkids. My Grandpa walked up hills both ways with only a hot potato to keep him warm when he went to school. I rode the smelly bus, of which I will never forget the day when Dave Willis flipped a mushy banana at truck going the opposite direction. If things go as planned, my grandkids will walk into the kitchen, grab their lunches which will expand when sneezed upon, walk into the pantry and be teleported away to school.
That’s right. I’m talking about teleportation here. Not hybrid, electric, or seaweed cars, but human particles blasted from one spot to another in seconds. So what if we have had a little setback from the Willey Wonka incident of ’76? Thomas Edison wasn’t hounded by setbacks. If it wasn’t for that man’s determination you would be reading this post with a honey-waxed candle instead. Even though there is nothing wrong with honey wax.
Yes I am aware that all the major automobile industries are crying foul on this one. They have been lobbying against this for years. Millions of jobs will be lost they yell. The economy will crumble they counter. On the contrary, the economy will thrive, millions of jobs will be created and much much more. How will splunking one person from one place to another in seconds save the world you may ask?
First of all, let’s give a shout out to the folks that chain themselves to a tree for leisurely time on a Saturday afternoon. My dear green people, this is for you! The first obvious big fix would be the whole carbon emissions stuff. Cars are gone, people teleport, no more need for fossil fuels. And just a little side note, nuclear fusion will be figured out too. The energy problem is solved, goodbye coal plants. Now also, we have all these roads that are no longer in use. That’s where you green people come in! Put on your Johnny Apple seed hats and start planting them trees and shrubberies because we don’t need no more of that highway 66 stuff. That’s right. All those roads we have stolen from nature we can finally give back. Squirrels can finally move around freely without the fear of becoming a motorized pancake. But don’t worry, we’ll still have pancakes.
Now to the economy, Companies will get more business because travel time will be easier. Remember that story of the Dad who told his kids they were going to Disneyland, took them to an old burned down warehouse, and told them that Disneyland burned down? No more need to worry about that! Cheap-skate fathers will now be able to afford the trip across the country. The cost of travel will be no more, which is the number one barrier from keeping society to jumping to the next level. Companies will finally be able to bring in their products (like say Krispy Kreme doughnuts) in record time making the flow of money and consumers move at a constant pace.
Now I am certain that this invention will be revolutionary for creating jobs as well. The light bulb revolution jobs, think about that one. And teleportation will create jobs and businesses never before known. As I am sure Thomas Edison never envisioned people working the late night shift at some casino, we can’t even fathom what people will put on their resumes in the future. But please, let’s throw out these combustible engine training wheels and move on to the future, because a fifteen minute drive to get to my Krispy Kreme doughnuts is making me ancy.
That’s right. I’m talking about teleportation here. Not hybrid, electric, or seaweed cars, but human particles blasted from one spot to another in seconds. So what if we have had a little setback from the Willey Wonka incident of ’76? Thomas Edison wasn’t hounded by setbacks. If it wasn’t for that man’s determination you would be reading this post with a honey-waxed candle instead. Even though there is nothing wrong with honey wax.
Yes I am aware that all the major automobile industries are crying foul on this one. They have been lobbying against this for years. Millions of jobs will be lost they yell. The economy will crumble they counter. On the contrary, the economy will thrive, millions of jobs will be created and much much more. How will splunking one person from one place to another in seconds save the world you may ask?
First of all, let’s give a shout out to the folks that chain themselves to a tree for leisurely time on a Saturday afternoon. My dear green people, this is for you! The first obvious big fix would be the whole carbon emissions stuff. Cars are gone, people teleport, no more need for fossil fuels. And just a little side note, nuclear fusion will be figured out too. The energy problem is solved, goodbye coal plants. Now also, we have all these roads that are no longer in use. That’s where you green people come in! Put on your Johnny Apple seed hats and start planting them trees and shrubberies because we don’t need no more of that highway 66 stuff. That’s right. All those roads we have stolen from nature we can finally give back. Squirrels can finally move around freely without the fear of becoming a motorized pancake. But don’t worry, we’ll still have pancakes.
Now to the economy, Companies will get more business because travel time will be easier. Remember that story of the Dad who told his kids they were going to Disneyland, took them to an old burned down warehouse, and told them that Disneyland burned down? No more need to worry about that! Cheap-skate fathers will now be able to afford the trip across the country. The cost of travel will be no more, which is the number one barrier from keeping society to jumping to the next level. Companies will finally be able to bring in their products (like say Krispy Kreme doughnuts) in record time making the flow of money and consumers move at a constant pace.
Now I am certain that this invention will be revolutionary for creating jobs as well. The light bulb revolution jobs, think about that one. And teleportation will create jobs and businesses never before known. As I am sure Thomas Edison never envisioned people working the late night shift at some casino, we can’t even fathom what people will put on their resumes in the future. But please, let’s throw out these combustible engine training wheels and move on to the future, because a fifteen minute drive to get to my Krispy Kreme doughnuts is making me ancy.
Friday, February 19, 2010
*TOP SECRET* How To Defeat The Terrorists
Here are my credentials: I have taken Political Science classes, I read Newsweek, I have cable TV, I have traveled outside my own home state and I almost understand half my functions on my Blackberry.
After studying and analyzing many historical documents that have become vital in the functions of this society such as Independence Day, War of the Worlds, Mars Attacks, Mulan and War of the Worlds, I have seen a pattern that can and will save the world. That’s right I have found the antidote that through much briefing and endless cups of Jamba Juice will save—well, at least this side of the world, from terrorism.
If any of you have not seen at least three of these movies I submit that you put away the Lost episodes for just a few brief moments of your lives, and run to your local movie dealer. Have you watched them yet? Alright, we shall carry on. In all of these movies, our heroes were stuck with mud up to their knees (or snow, or alien goop).
The odds were against them and things weren’t looking good. I know if I would have been in the same situation as Mulan with all those Huns charging right at me, or Luke Skywalker navigating through the outside inside ring things of the Death Star (I still can’t beat that part on any video game) I would have wet my pants. But no, Mulan did not wet her pants, nor did Luke, scientist man from war of the worlds or Junkyard kid from Mars Attacks. They thought outside the box and defeated the odds and were all paid handsome rewards that they always refused to show their humility, except Mulan who hooked up with the guy at the end and kept the Emperor’s crest.
Threaded through each of these documents is a common theme which can be applied to the dilemmas facing us today, in each of these movies there was a simple solution to the problem that changed the tide and brought victory on their side. Let’s take a look at a few of these historical documents. War of the Worlds. In the old movie all human life was blasted to nothingness and in the new one they were used as fertilizer. Nukes didn’t do a thing. So what was it that finally brought death to these invading terrorists? Air-born germs. That’s right. Simple air destroyed these alien- colorful-eyeballed dudes and the mankind came out on top. Mars Attacks, who would have thought that the old music of the early 20th century would serve a purpose other than juke box night at the bingo joint? Independence Day, as the famous line in the movie that sums up how they conquered those tentacle-wearing scum heads was that he simply, “Gave it a cold.”
First of all we must find the motive of these terrorists. It’s usually global domination or as Batman’s butler eloquently put it, “Some people just want to watch the world burn.” Let’s just say they want to do both.
Now let’s analyze the current situation and tie it with the simple solution theory. History shows us that in tight situations there is always a simple solution. So how do we tackle these ticking time bombs? Well first of all, we must go through a bit of a struggle and make it look like we are on the brink of loss for example, Lord of the Rings, I thought for sure I was going to be sitting there until the sun rose during the final battle on opening night. That was the longest battle scene ever! And the big smelly guy I was sitting next to didn’t help solve things either! We all thought middle earth was doomed and that Orcs would soon frolic the fields of the shire. The humans were almost done for.
So far, as Afghanistan proves, we have made it to phase one like our Lord of the Ring friends. It looks like we are in it for the long haul and things are looking doubtful because the Taliban just keeps recruiting folks for free, while it costs the American nation $1 million to support one soldier in the opium-high nation. Rules of engagement are strict, so even if they have Taliban in their sights, they can’t do a thing. That’s right. Our backs are up against a wall and we can’t move an inch.
So now we can move on to phase two. Phase two is finding the simple solution that completely knocks out the terrorists and we sing, dance, jiggle and kiss while the credits go up. We are also in a lucky situation here. We have Al-Qaeda and the Taliban to battle, in the same general area-ish. We can kill two birds with one stone.
We must know the enemy as Luke knew Darth more than he thought he did. To kick it off we must find the motive of these terrorists. It’s usually global domination or as Batman’s butler eloquently put it, “Some people just want to watch the world burn.” Let’s just say they want to do both.
Next, what we know about the scum sucking pigs (terrorists):
1. They wear turbans, sometimes they are white, sometimes they are red, and I have seen lots of black and white-checkered ones as well, probably used to challenge others to games like checkers during times of boredom.
2. Their technology has gotten to the point where their underwear can explode on command. (This beats my black Batman underwear as a kid by a longshot)
3. In pictures they carry around AK-47s and have very long beards, I assume these beards are used to store food in so they can live in the desert for long periods of time.
4. They are not a nation so we technically cannot declare war on them. Setback? I think not!
5. Apparently their best defense is hiding in caves and sending the United States videos every time something suspicious comes up saying, “We did it!” Did I mention they have long beards?
So with all this information at hand, it is now time to whip out the sword like our faithful friend Mulan did and see things at another angle. Well of course I already have found the solution or I wouldn’t be writing this to inform the world, save Gondor and bring peace and prosperity to furry people that live on moons. Alright, I know you are waiting in suspense, especially if you are the secretary of defense, if this is the secretary of defense, can we move on to the space wars please? What’s up with cutting funding from NASA? Let’s get to the good stuff yo! Without further ado, my fellow Anti-terrorist people and all those in between, the solution to our problem:
World Saving Solution! Top Secret! Spread the word except to terrorists, smoke signals probably work best, I don’t think they have cracked that code yet.
Step #1: Gather a bundle of bats with sonar calling device or just capture them with butterfly nets.
Step #2: Attach hair-removal spray to their hind legs. Nair or Veet? Whoever has the best lobbyists!
Step #3: Equip each bat with own exploding underwear. They probably won’t struggle as much if they are of the black batman type.
Plan of action: During the terrorist’s time of leisure, which will be easy to decipher, because they won’t be wearing turbans, deploy all bats in the Afghanistan, Pakistan, (whatever an that holds terrorists) regions. Bats, due to their natural instinct, will fly towards all caves in the region. Bats fly into cave, detected, but not seen as a threat. When in the main bunker, bat’s underwear goes off, destroying all in the cave, as well setting off the hair-removal spray, cutting off all food supply if there are any survivors. Grab fireworks, fiddlers and call CNN. Do victory dances around the world with background music, probably techno and dance the night away, but not like the furry people that live on moons, because we have just conquered terrorism in one simple sweep! And cut federal spending by 40 percent. Long live freedom! And long live Jamba Juice. Hold memorial service for bats, declare them as the new national bird.
After studying and analyzing many historical documents that have become vital in the functions of this society such as Independence Day, War of the Worlds, Mars Attacks, Mulan and War of the Worlds, I have seen a pattern that can and will save the world. That’s right I have found the antidote that through much briefing and endless cups of Jamba Juice will save—well, at least this side of the world, from terrorism.
If any of you have not seen at least three of these movies I submit that you put away the Lost episodes for just a few brief moments of your lives, and run to your local movie dealer. Have you watched them yet? Alright, we shall carry on. In all of these movies, our heroes were stuck with mud up to their knees (or snow, or alien goop).
The odds were against them and things weren’t looking good. I know if I would have been in the same situation as Mulan with all those Huns charging right at me, or Luke Skywalker navigating through the outside inside ring things of the Death Star (I still can’t beat that part on any video game) I would have wet my pants. But no, Mulan did not wet her pants, nor did Luke, scientist man from war of the worlds or Junkyard kid from Mars Attacks. They thought outside the box and defeated the odds and were all paid handsome rewards that they always refused to show their humility, except Mulan who hooked up with the guy at the end and kept the Emperor’s crest.
Threaded through each of these documents is a common theme which can be applied to the dilemmas facing us today, in each of these movies there was a simple solution to the problem that changed the tide and brought victory on their side. Let’s take a look at a few of these historical documents. War of the Worlds. In the old movie all human life was blasted to nothingness and in the new one they were used as fertilizer. Nukes didn’t do a thing. So what was it that finally brought death to these invading terrorists? Air-born germs. That’s right. Simple air destroyed these alien- colorful-eyeballed dudes and the mankind came out on top. Mars Attacks, who would have thought that the old music of the early 20th century would serve a purpose other than juke box night at the bingo joint? Independence Day, as the famous line in the movie that sums up how they conquered those tentacle-wearing scum heads was that he simply, “Gave it a cold.”
First of all we must find the motive of these terrorists. It’s usually global domination or as Batman’s butler eloquently put it, “Some people just want to watch the world burn.” Let’s just say they want to do both.
Now let’s analyze the current situation and tie it with the simple solution theory. History shows us that in tight situations there is always a simple solution. So how do we tackle these ticking time bombs? Well first of all, we must go through a bit of a struggle and make it look like we are on the brink of loss for example, Lord of the Rings, I thought for sure I was going to be sitting there until the sun rose during the final battle on opening night. That was the longest battle scene ever! And the big smelly guy I was sitting next to didn’t help solve things either! We all thought middle earth was doomed and that Orcs would soon frolic the fields of the shire. The humans were almost done for.
So far, as Afghanistan proves, we have made it to phase one like our Lord of the Ring friends. It looks like we are in it for the long haul and things are looking doubtful because the Taliban just keeps recruiting folks for free, while it costs the American nation $1 million to support one soldier in the opium-high nation. Rules of engagement are strict, so even if they have Taliban in their sights, they can’t do a thing. That’s right. Our backs are up against a wall and we can’t move an inch.
So now we can move on to phase two. Phase two is finding the simple solution that completely knocks out the terrorists and we sing, dance, jiggle and kiss while the credits go up. We are also in a lucky situation here. We have Al-Qaeda and the Taliban to battle, in the same general area-ish. We can kill two birds with one stone.
We must know the enemy as Luke knew Darth more than he thought he did. To kick it off we must find the motive of these terrorists. It’s usually global domination or as Batman’s butler eloquently put it, “Some people just want to watch the world burn.” Let’s just say they want to do both.
Next, what we know about the scum sucking pigs (terrorists):
1. They wear turbans, sometimes they are white, sometimes they are red, and I have seen lots of black and white-checkered ones as well, probably used to challenge others to games like checkers during times of boredom.
2. Their technology has gotten to the point where their underwear can explode on command. (This beats my black Batman underwear as a kid by a longshot)
3. In pictures they carry around AK-47s and have very long beards, I assume these beards are used to store food in so they can live in the desert for long periods of time.
4. They are not a nation so we technically cannot declare war on them. Setback? I think not!
5. Apparently their best defense is hiding in caves and sending the United States videos every time something suspicious comes up saying, “We did it!” Did I mention they have long beards?
So with all this information at hand, it is now time to whip out the sword like our faithful friend Mulan did and see things at another angle. Well of course I already have found the solution or I wouldn’t be writing this to inform the world, save Gondor and bring peace and prosperity to furry people that live on moons. Alright, I know you are waiting in suspense, especially if you are the secretary of defense, if this is the secretary of defense, can we move on to the space wars please? What’s up with cutting funding from NASA? Let’s get to the good stuff yo! Without further ado, my fellow Anti-terrorist people and all those in between, the solution to our problem:
World Saving Solution! Top Secret! Spread the word except to terrorists, smoke signals probably work best, I don’t think they have cracked that code yet.
Step #1: Gather a bundle of bats with sonar calling device or just capture them with butterfly nets.
Step #2: Attach hair-removal spray to their hind legs. Nair or Veet? Whoever has the best lobbyists!
Step #3: Equip each bat with own exploding underwear. They probably won’t struggle as much if they are of the black batman type.
Plan of action: During the terrorist’s time of leisure, which will be easy to decipher, because they won’t be wearing turbans, deploy all bats in the Afghanistan, Pakistan, (whatever an that holds terrorists) regions. Bats, due to their natural instinct, will fly towards all caves in the region. Bats fly into cave, detected, but not seen as a threat. When in the main bunker, bat’s underwear goes off, destroying all in the cave, as well setting off the hair-removal spray, cutting off all food supply if there are any survivors. Grab fireworks, fiddlers and call CNN. Do victory dances around the world with background music, probably techno and dance the night away, but not like the furry people that live on moons, because we have just conquered terrorism in one simple sweep! And cut federal spending by 40 percent. Long live freedom! And long live Jamba Juice. Hold memorial service for bats, declare them as the new national bird.
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Put Down The Glocks And Watch The Pros Kick Trash!
Every four years I have the same privilege as every other American in this great nation. No it’s not rotating my tires or finally getting around to cleaning out the gutters. It’s the chance to watch the Olympics. That’s right. After four years of sitting at a desk, pretending to look busy and typing away at my computer, I finally get to reap the benefits of my hard work by sitting on my couch with a bag of Sun Chips (are their new bags really edible?) and watch a bunch of dudes and dudettes battle for OUR bragging rights for the next four years (and by George we had better win that curling medal!)
I’m sick of all the Canadians I know bragging about how they took the gold in Torino. This year is ours! It’s our time to shine and show the world who really has the skills at rolling stones. And people, I just want to point out that it’s just not the fact that I will able to trash talk my fellow Canadians, gain some extra poundage for the next grueling weeks of winter ahead and spike the ratings of NBC sky high with all 13 of my TV’s, it’s the fact that I am finally able to walk up to some random dude at the bus stop and have an intense conversation on an ice skater that we both saw on TV at 2 am in the morning.
You know? You know what I mean? The Olympics isn’t just a time for athletes to unite and trash other athletes and then go get trashed on the streets the rest of the week to celebrate. It’s a time where us Americans can finally look at each other in the eye and say that we are united. It also gives me the chance to wear my American flag sweatshirt I got from a distant aunt without feeling out of place.
What also amazes me is how we Americans can not study a sport for four years and then suddenly for two weeks we are experts! We know when an ice-skater has messed up on their routine and not only that— we know how many points the judges will take off for it. If the judge from Albania messes up, you know Sun Chips will start flying. The conversations in the bars also take a sudden turn—they are about the Americans skating pairs chemistry and technique, instead of a new heating system just installed in Fred’s Ford pickup.
That’s right, us Americans bond when we get together and watch athletes that have been dragged to practice everyday of their life until they were six without watching the coveted TV shows that most of us base our schedules around. It’s also a basic American right and almost a guarantee now to chant U.S.A! U.S.A!—with the hopes that foreigners everywhere understand the English alphabet and American acronyms. When I chant it in my living room, the skiers from Switzerland seem to falter while shredding down the hill.
These two weeks become such a part of us that we even start growing out the same kind of facial hair as the speed skaters and start saying the same words the snowboarders say—you know—the kind of words that seemed too juvenile to utter just a few weeks ago.
American bonding time is now. For these two weeks we can finally forget how much we hate Kobe because he trashed our favorite basketball team and we can put the glocks and the shotguns away intended for the gang across the tracks. It’s time to sit back, relax and watch some Americans kick trash! Really? Edible Sun Chips?
I’m sick of all the Canadians I know bragging about how they took the gold in Torino. This year is ours! It’s our time to shine and show the world who really has the skills at rolling stones. And people, I just want to point out that it’s just not the fact that I will able to trash talk my fellow Canadians, gain some extra poundage for the next grueling weeks of winter ahead and spike the ratings of NBC sky high with all 13 of my TV’s, it’s the fact that I am finally able to walk up to some random dude at the bus stop and have an intense conversation on an ice skater that we both saw on TV at 2 am in the morning.
You know? You know what I mean? The Olympics isn’t just a time for athletes to unite and trash other athletes and then go get trashed on the streets the rest of the week to celebrate. It’s a time where us Americans can finally look at each other in the eye and say that we are united. It also gives me the chance to wear my American flag sweatshirt I got from a distant aunt without feeling out of place.
What also amazes me is how we Americans can not study a sport for four years and then suddenly for two weeks we are experts! We know when an ice-skater has messed up on their routine and not only that— we know how many points the judges will take off for it. If the judge from Albania messes up, you know Sun Chips will start flying. The conversations in the bars also take a sudden turn—they are about the Americans skating pairs chemistry and technique, instead of a new heating system just installed in Fred’s Ford pickup.
That’s right, us Americans bond when we get together and watch athletes that have been dragged to practice everyday of their life until they were six without watching the coveted TV shows that most of us base our schedules around. It’s also a basic American right and almost a guarantee now to chant U.S.A! U.S.A!—with the hopes that foreigners everywhere understand the English alphabet and American acronyms. When I chant it in my living room, the skiers from Switzerland seem to falter while shredding down the hill.
These two weeks become such a part of us that we even start growing out the same kind of facial hair as the speed skaters and start saying the same words the snowboarders say—you know—the kind of words that seemed too juvenile to utter just a few weeks ago.
American bonding time is now. For these two weeks we can finally forget how much we hate Kobe because he trashed our favorite basketball team and we can put the glocks and the shotguns away intended for the gang across the tracks. It’s time to sit back, relax and watch some Americans kick trash! Really? Edible Sun Chips?
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Metro Love
I recently moved here a few weeks ago from the Western side of the states. To my surprise, the culture here was the same kind I left 800 miles ago. I blended into this area quite easily – quite easily until I stumbled upon a type of culture that was hard to embrace.
My only fear in life is tow trucks and parking tickets, so when I heard about this hip ride called “The metro” which to me it sounded a lot like the people mover at Disneyland, I thought I might venture. When I first arrived to the metro and saw the sign that said, “Kiss and ride” I knew that this place was for me. I was further amazed when I was handed a free daily paper (and a free smile) of the latest local and national news.
I felt like a passenger about to board the love boat. I was a little taken back by the price I had to pay to ride the metro but I figured it was worth it to ride in style. When I finally entered the metro I saw the sign “No littering” which impressed me on the importance of cleanliness this ride had on the environment, but when I saw the sign “No-eating” I was slightly taken back on how one could survive such a trip without a granola bar.
I didn’t make it in time to grab a strawberry-red seat but I didn’t mind because of the huge amount of standing space there was. While standing, I observed that no one made eye contact with each other and there was zero conversation. I was scared to call anyone to tell them of the thrilling news of where I was in fear of breaking the concentration of the man in front of me furiously studying the back of his seat. Soon we arrived at more and more stops and the car was getting more and more crowded.
Before I knew it, I found myself squashed against the wall in a mix of bags, bodies, perfume –and I’m pretty sure I got a hint of body odor. As we continued onward, legs aching and a strong urge to eat a granola bar, we headed straight towards a tunnel that gave me an instant flashback of Willy Wonka and the chocolate factory when they entered the tunnel of nightmarish images. This wasn’t your typical people mover. More people boarded, and the sudden stops and goes made me feel a little queasy and I easily confirmed the body odor lingering in the air. Finally after many attempts to hold onto my bag, keep my balance and hold my breath, the sea of people soon parted. I was finally able to take a seat and glance at my crinkled newspaper. One of the articles was on a proposal for the metro to add an extra ten for each ride. “Just what I wanted,” I sighed.
My only fear in life is tow trucks and parking tickets, so when I heard about this hip ride called “The metro” which to me it sounded a lot like the people mover at Disneyland, I thought I might venture. When I first arrived to the metro and saw the sign that said, “Kiss and ride” I knew that this place was for me. I was further amazed when I was handed a free daily paper (and a free smile) of the latest local and national news.
I felt like a passenger about to board the love boat. I was a little taken back by the price I had to pay to ride the metro but I figured it was worth it to ride in style. When I finally entered the metro I saw the sign “No littering” which impressed me on the importance of cleanliness this ride had on the environment, but when I saw the sign “No-eating” I was slightly taken back on how one could survive such a trip without a granola bar.
I didn’t make it in time to grab a strawberry-red seat but I didn’t mind because of the huge amount of standing space there was. While standing, I observed that no one made eye contact with each other and there was zero conversation. I was scared to call anyone to tell them of the thrilling news of where I was in fear of breaking the concentration of the man in front of me furiously studying the back of his seat. Soon we arrived at more and more stops and the car was getting more and more crowded.
Before I knew it, I found myself squashed against the wall in a mix of bags, bodies, perfume –and I’m pretty sure I got a hint of body odor. As we continued onward, legs aching and a strong urge to eat a granola bar, we headed straight towards a tunnel that gave me an instant flashback of Willy Wonka and the chocolate factory when they entered the tunnel of nightmarish images. This wasn’t your typical people mover. More people boarded, and the sudden stops and goes made me feel a little queasy and I easily confirmed the body odor lingering in the air. Finally after many attempts to hold onto my bag, keep my balance and hold my breath, the sea of people soon parted. I was finally able to take a seat and glance at my crinkled newspaper. One of the articles was on a proposal for the metro to add an extra ten for each ride. “Just what I wanted,” I sighed.
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